For Casey...

There are so many times that I think, “How on earth did I find such an amazing man?” I could never have imagined for myself a more perfect man than you. You’re strong and serious and capable of anything you set your mind to. When I look at you, I see a man of immense physical, mental, and spiritual strength. I see someone that I both look up to and love – tremendously. I see someone that I always want to be with.

I absolutely adore your goofy sense of humor and your willingness to laugh at life. It makes me realize that no matter what challenges may lie ahead, we will always be able to laugh together and share this sense of happiness and hope.

Your calm and collected way of dealing with conflict means so much to me. Please do not ever stop trying to kiss me in the middle of an argument (no matter how much it annoys me at the time, I always think it is wonderful of you). I am always amazed at your incredible propensity for problem solving – regardless of what type of problem is at hand. Your wide range of skills and abilities continually surprises me. Basically, I feel very certain that you can do anything – and do it well.

You’ve shown incredible patience and love toward me, through all of my doubts and fears and questions. You have put up with… a lot. More than most men would. :-) Though I know it's taken me some time to get past a lot of that, I know now that you’re the guy I always want to run to, because I feel safe in your arms.

I know that you are destined for greatness, and that makes me excited. I want to be there with you while you change the world…

I love you so much, and I count myself extremely blessed to be “yours.”

Lots of love and kisses, always.

Kristin

Love is our true destiny

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another. We do not discover the secret of our lives merely by study and calculation in our own isolated meditations. The meaning of our life is a secret that has to be revealed to us in love, by the one we love. And if this love is unreal, the secret will not be found, the meaning will never reveal itself, the message will never be decoded. At best, we will receive a scrambled and partial message, one that will deceive and confuse us. We will never be fully real until we let ourselves fall in love – either with another human person or with God.“

From Love and Living by Thomas Merton*

“When God’s love is taken for granted, we paint him into a corner and rob Him of the opportunity to love us in a NEW AND SURPRISING way, and faith begins to shrivel and shrink….”

From the Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

I feel myself learning love – in a completely new and different way. The old rituals are gone, the pervasive worry and anxiety over my status in the eyes of God, or my status with regard to my own righteousness. It is all gone.

There is a place of the truest LIGHT, where the sun shines on the deck and I realize, looking out on the rest of the world, that I am all right. I’m seeing His grace more clearly, accepting his love more fully, and extending that mercy to myself. God loves me – all the time in a million new and crazy and different ways. I am surprised constantly by His affection; it takes my breath away. He surprises and enchants me, compels and delivers me, always holds me in this profound security of His unfinished work of loving me wholly, exactly the way I am.

No more am I afraid. But I am always surprised by this love, because I know for sure that I do not deserve it. I haven’t obeyed His commandments (maybe here and there, but not enough to amount to any form of real devotion), I haven’t loved His children the way He calls me to love. So many things I have done, and so many things I have left undone. But today is here, this moment of sunshine on the deck, and I know that His love gives me everything I need to walk on in complete confidence, complete fearlessness, complete love…..

“I could more easily contain Niagara Falls in a teacup than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable love of God.”

From the Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

*Thank you, Joel.

Beyond ourselves...

There are some things I think I will never understand.

Like why people abandon their tables at Panera leaving a mess of used cups, napkins, and bread crusts behind them. You know you’re supposed to clean up after yourself. Why do you live in denial? It’s funny, because I am guilty of a version of this offense myself, given that I rarely clean my room and almost always abandon it a pitiful mess when I leave for work each day.

How is this better?

It is not.

Surely, I delude myself because I am compassionate toward my own inclinations and entirely unmerciful when it comes to the actions of others. Why? I don’t dislike others – I only love myself, to a fault.

It is amusing how Christ takes this self-love we are all born with and turns it outward, saying only that we ought to love our neighbors the same way we love ourselves. Because we do love ourselves. He knows this, and is not deterred by it.

He does not say, Loathe yourself and love only others. No, for in that action we would strip our souls of all that we know of love. It is what holds and heals us, what inspires confidence and self-control and hope. So we live in this love and take the added step of extending it to those around us. That same light under which we view ourselves begins to be a light cast around our lives and onto everyone we meet. That same mercy that covers innocent mistakes as well as devious errors begins to cover the misdeeds of our friends and enemies. Not because it is easy, or even humanly possible, but because He called us to this way.

I am only wondering...

It is always amazing to me how we prop up our flimsy human actions with the gigantic assertions that “God told me to” or “God led me to do this.” How often is it true? How much is entirely up to us, to our inner being, how much is merely common sense, and how much does God actually tell us what to do? The Psalms assure us continually that HE directs our steps, He leads us and guides us and shows us where to go. I believe that. I can sense God’s hand in my life. But what if not everything is as it just seems to me? I’m human. I’m missing a lot, for sure. Missing what God is saying to me, missing my brain sometimes!

If we really lived the way He showed us to live, if we really walked “in His steps,” maybe more of our actions would line up with what He is saying (for sure) in the Bible, and maybe our confusion would somehow lessen. Maybe truly loving as He loved us, and forgetting the rest, would change us. Maybe. I am only wondering…

Almighty God, you have created us out of the dust of the earth: Grant that these ashes may be to us a sign of our mortality and penitence, that we may remember that it is only by your gracious gift that we are given everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.
(Book of Common Prayer, Ash Wednesday Liturgy)

The Long Day is Over

“To the poor he preached the good news of salvation; to prisoners, freedom; to the sorrowful, joy. To fulfill God’s purpose he gave himself up to death, and rising from the dead, destroyed death and made the whole creation new” (from the Book of Common Prayer 374, Prayer D).

As usual, I don't know why I am staying up late. I've been exhausted lately, and the Ash Wednesday service tomorrow at church starts at 7 in the morning. Then it's off to work, and then to "the shop," my favorite place to work and write. I feel at home there, and while I am writing, people are stopping by my table and talking to me. I am always more productive when I am at the shop.

Recently I made a hard decision. Something that pains me still. It is always there in the back of my mind, and I am just moving on as best I can. So sometimes these days I am feeling sorry for myself, and then too, I am trying to fight off anxiety about the future...

But tonight I went to the youth shelter with a friend and visited with some kids whose lives have been ongoing experiments in pain and misery. They have been left by their parents, abandoned by their own families, isolated from society. Puts things into perspective, to say the least. I sat there and listened while they asked their questions, told their stories, and asked for our prayers. So we all sat there and we prayed. One boy thought that he was just going to wait until all of the pain and problems in his life were over, and then he would ask God's forgiveness for his sins. And I just told him, "You don't have to wait. If you ask now it will all be covered - for good. All of your sins, past, present, and future."

And I was just thinking, how easy it is to live trapped in the ongoing cycle of all our past mistakes and the questionable actions of the present, and all of the future screw-ups that will happen. But we needn't worry about any of it - it is covered.

"So if the Son sets you free," Christ said, "You will be free indeed." And so we are.

I cleaned the kitchen and the living room tonight. Hung up some pictures. Listened to Dave Matthews Band while I wiped the counters (very domestically!). Now here I am, comfortably seated on the floor with my Bible and numerous notebooks and Norah Jones's "The Long Day is Over" playing in the background. It's quiet now, and the words are slowly sinking into my soul. I feel like I need their simplicity, because everything in my life unraveled into a complicated mess for awhile there. It happens. But for now, there is just this...

Feeling tired
By the fire
The long day is over

The wind is gone
Asleep at dawn
The embers burn on

With no reprise
The sun will rise
The long day is over

I am tired. But the sun will rise again, and I'll find the strength to meet another day. There is a lot ahead, I am telling myself. I don't know what it is. But I have the faith to reach toward it.

I found an old newspaper in one of the gifts I brought back from Israel. It's an advertisement for the Palestine Times, and it shows a picture of a rolled up newspaper, with the words, "Reach Further." So I hung it up over my desk as a reminder...

Starting Over

So... it's been a long time.

I feel like January has been the longest month of my life, for so many reasons. But the good thing is, now it's February. So I am moving forward, and I am excited about what lies ahead... out there in the vast unknown!

Historically, I have been very bad about blogging consistently. So I have no idea how long this phase will last. All I know is that it was a very long day, and when I arrived at the shop and had my soup and Coke (yes, the only antidote to the longest day ever following the longest month ever) I knew that I needed to open up this blog and destroy it and start over.

So here it is. It has a nice new look, and a new little picture of me with my Katie Holmes bob cut, looking a little depressed and serious because that's how I've been feeling lately. But it's all right, because we all need those times in our lives when we reflect and maybe we are more serious than we want to be. Thank God, those seasons never last forever. Eventually we can move forward and know a little bit more about ourselves, and about where God is taking us.

It's all about starting over. Thankfully, we can do that every morning - and actually, every minute of our lives. Which is really, when you think about it, quite wonderful.